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American Alpha, The Hype Bros and The Usos
vs.
Breezango, The Ascension and The Vaudevillains
We start off♒ with Chad Gabl🌃e attempting to wristlock poor Tyler Breeze into next week.
Gable tags in Jey Uso, Breeze tags in Aiden English, Uso tags in Zack Ryder. Ryder goes for the Broski boot, obligatory “everybody get▨ in the ring and brawl” spot.
Aꦰ.Alpha hits a double diving clo🐟thesline from the top rope onto Ascension, Alpha gets pulled out of the ring by Breezango, Ryder hits his wrecking ball on them, English throws Ryder into the ringpost.
Commercial.
Back from th✃e break and Ryder is being worked over by Gotch.
Scintillating.
Now Viktor gets tagged in. A c💞hinlock. Ooh, exciting.
Ryder hits a jawbreaker but can’t make the tag.
Konnor gets tagged in, then Breeze.
Ryder looks like the i⛦nside of a🍌 cantaloupe. Orange.
Breeze tags in Fandango, puts Ryder in a singl♈e leg crab, Fandango hits a slingshot leg drop on Ryder.
Two count.
Dango tags in Viktor. Vikt꧑or ta🌱gs in Konnor. Ryder counters a Canadian Backbreaker into a Rude Awakening.
Jimmy Uso gets the hot tag as Breeze comes in. Uso gets the better of ꧟that exchange.
Jason Jordan tags himse🦂lf in and suplexes E’ꩲRYBODY.
English breaks up a pinfall at🔯tempt. He hitsꦆ a sitout powerbomb on Gable.
Everybꦰody hits 🌄their finishers and double team signatures.
ACTION IS HAPPENING!
Finally, Jordan hits the flying shoulder-strapless-shoulde꧋rblock into the corner on Gotch.
Grand Amplitude.
But Jimmy Uso tagged himself in, and he hits the splash f💎rom the top on Simon, and gets the 1-2-3.
𒈔Uso stole the glory from American Alpha? Intrigue? Maybe?
TURN HEEL DAMMIT.
Winner: The Good Guys.
Sami Zayn & Neville vs The Dudley Boyz
Neville starts out against D-Von♚. Tags in Sami Zayn. Tags in Nev🥂ille. Tags in Zayn. Tags in Neville.
This is getting monotonous.
Zayn hits a backbreaker, then Neville uses Zayn as a springboard to d꧋o a corkscrew moon🦂sault onto D-Von for a 2 count.
Neville runs the ropes but gets his fee﷽t grabbed ☂at the apron.
Bubba takes control as we go to commercial.
Back from the break an🎃d the🦩 Dudleyz take turns working over Neville until Bubba Ray misses a GIANT senton off the top rope.
Sami Za𒆙yn gets t🌠he hot tag and nails a Blue Thunder Bomb on D-Von. Bubba breaks up the pin.
Neville breaks up a pin attempt after a tandem neckbreaker, then avoids a 3-D, gets out of the way of ⛄a Bubba clothesline, which knocks down D-Von.
Bubba takes a Helluva Kick, then a Red Arrow.
WINNER: Neville & Zayn by Pinfall.
No heel turn from Bubba. My night is ruined now.
Cesaro vs Sheamus
First Match in the Best of Seven Series
(actually the Third Match, but who's counting?)
(we are. we all are.)
This starts out hot, with bot🦄h men attempting finishers and big movℱes back and forth.
Sheamus takes control after hotshottin♏g Cesaro's throat across the top rope and knocking his head against the ringpost.
Cesaro come🐭s back with a modified Death Valley Driver. Snap suplex for a on🧸e count.
Sheamus with a couple of stiff shots. Back and forth. Tilt-a-wh🔯ꦜirl slam from Sheamus.
This is actually GOOD.
Commercial.
Back from the break and Sheamus is in the driver's ꦬse💖at. Both men go over the top rope, and there's a double count out possibility.
Sheamus back in at 7-ish and Cesܫaro back in at 9 and a half.
Sheamus slapping Cesaro around, "You're not in my league!" but C𓄧esaro disagrees. A bunch ꩲof European uppercuts, puts Sheamus on the top rope, huge dropkick knocks Sheamus to the apron, huge vertical suplex back inside.
Reversals for a while. Neutralizer co🍬untered into White Noise.
NEARFALL.
Sheam🍒us hits an Avalanche Rolling Senton from the top 🔯rope.
NEARFALL.
Man, if they were going🍎 t🐲o give Sheamus a win, that would've been the time.
Brogue Kick co𝓀untered by a big boot, then Sheamus rus🐷hes Cesaro and gets caught by a HUGE clothesline.
Cesaro c🌟🧸limbs the turnbuckle, stands ON THE RINGPOST, then sprinboards off the top rope and hits a crossbody.
That was ridonkulous, y'all.
Big Swing into Sharpshooter. Sheamus grabs the botto🍌m rope.
Sharpshooter attempted again. Sheamus with a thumb to the eye, then throws Cesaroꦆ's shoulder into the ring post.
BROGUE KICK.
1-2-3.
WINNER: Sheamus by Pinfall.
_____________________________________ℱ____________________________________________
MAIN CARD BEGINS ........................... RIGHT NOW.
Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs JeriKO
Enzo and Cass do a promo before the mat🔥ch. It is, shall we say, local. It's all New York references. Big Cass sings some of "New York, New York."
In the match's early going, the good guys have the shine until Jericho yanks Enzo off the tope roꦦpe onto the back of his head.
Enzo is face in peril now. Get used to this. It's gonna be a whil꧃e.
KO is grꦕeat, mocking Enzo and the crowd, then gets tagged in and hits the gutbuster followed by hiꦬs running senton.
Enzo is able to fight out of the opponents' corner, but just for a second. Owens drags him to the outside, but catches an elbow. Enzo ♔sꦗprints for Cass, but is intercepted by Jericho.
Springboard dropkick to Cas𒁏s on the apron, then a Bullfrog Splash from Owens to Enzo.
Two count.
Owens slapping Enzo, then blows a kiss🌟 to Jericho, before missꦺing a cannonball in the corner.
BIG CASS HOT TAG.
Big Boot to🍷 Owens. Bodyslam and Empire Elbow to Jericho.
Jericho fightꦦs out, goes top rope, jumps off, eats a size sixteen.
The Realꦜest Guys go for the Rocket Launcher (I refuse to💮 call it that other thing), but Owens crotches Enzo, then takes out Cass on the outside.
Enzo hits his jumping DDT from the top rope (now caꦍlled the DDG I guess), but Owens gets involved, tossing𒉰 Enzo into the air; landing in a BRUTAL looking Codebreaker.
WINNER: JeriKO
_________________________________൲_______________________________ꦬ______________________
Backstage comedy bit featuring Jon Stewart, Stephanie and Shane, Mick Foley and The New Day. Seems to be teasing a segment with Jon Stewart and the New Day later.
______________________________________________________🦂________________________________________
Sasha Banks vs Charlotte
Women's Championship
Sasha immediately gets Charlotte in the Bꦯanks Statemtent, Charlotte quickly gets out.
Charlotte does this crazy thing where she drops💟 Sasha across the ropes from top turnbuckle.
For reals, I legit thought Sasha was dead.
For reals, yo.
The🦄 ref checks on her a😼 couple times, but she's okay I guess.
Charlotte is working STIFF in this match.
This is uncomfortable to watch.
Charlotte is brutalizing her.
Just tossing her all over the ring.
SASHA COUNT🎃ERS A TOP ROPE RAZOR'S EDGE INTO A HURRICANRANA.
Holy crap.
I still think Sasha might be technically dead.
Strong style elbows and forearms exchanged.
Back and forth. This is goi🅘ng to give me a heart attack.
Double knees from the champ to the outside.
Banks Statement, gotten out of by Charlotte.
Natural Selection. TWO COUNT.
Counter by Sasha into the Banks Statement, Charlott rolls⛄ througꦫh.
Pinning Predicament.
1-2-3.
WINNER: Charlotte.
Holy crap. Great match.
___________________𒁃______________________________________________
Backstage segment with AJ Styles and Gallows&An🌺derson.
FIN🌳N SHOWS UP! They offer himꦆ the Too Sweet, but he just smiles and walks away.
Wow.
______________________________________________🌼_____________________
The Miz vs Apollo Crews
Intercontinental Championship Match
T🧸hey finally gave Apollo green ring gear to match h♏is entrance lights.
Miz on the attack from the beginning.
He’s in control until his d🍸ouble axehandle from the top rope is met by ℱa Crews dropkick to the face.
Running clothe𓆉slines, stinger splash, crossbody, Angle Slam.
Two Count.
Miz gets hit by an Enzuigiri, but gets the kꦺnees up to counter the moonsault.
Crews nails a front slam, then an overheadไ be🎀lly to belly.
Miz tries to ta𓆉ke a powder, setting up a distraction by Maryse.
A few moves later, Miz hits the Skull🍸 Crushing finale for the 1-2-3.
WINNER: The Miz.
Crews was impressive in defeat, at least.
_________________💜_______ꦜ______________________________________________
John Cena vs AJ Styles
๊A lot of feeling each other out to start this match.
A split crowd in Barclays. The duelling "Let's Go Cena!" "AJ Styles!" chants are equღally deafening.
Cena takes control when Styles hotdogs after a dropkick and Cena no-s🍌ells the damage.
Styles takes control with a Suplex on the apron.
Cena fights back with one of the highest backdrops y♔ou will ever see.
Match is very even so far.
Cena hits a dropkick and a snap 🌟suplex, followed by a big right hand and an even bigger headbutt.
A✨ flurry from Styles, followed by a running forearm to seat𝐆ed Cena.
Shoulderblocks from Cena, a 5-Knuckle Shuffle.
He goes for the AA, S🌸tyles lands on his feet, and hits the Pele kick.
Styles Clash.
TWO COUNT.
Attitude Adjustment.
TWO COUNT.
Cena tries for the top rope AA, Styles fights out, hits a 🐼Torture Rack Spin Outও Powerbomb.
TWO COUNT.
Some kind of crazy stunner thing by Cena.
TWO COUNT.
AA countered by Styles, countered by Cena into STF, countered by Sty𓆏les.
Styles hits the Ushi Goroshi.
TWO COUNT.
Styles misses the springboard 450.
Cena hits the Canadian Destroyer.
TWO COUNT.
AA counter🧸ed by Styles. German Suplex into 🔜a Sitout Facebuster.
TWO COUNT.
Phenomenal Forearm ⛦countered by Cena grabbing AJ’s leg💎.
STF. Countered by Styles into crossface.
Countered by Cena into the AA position.
Countered by Styles into the Calf Crusher.
COUNTERED BY CENA INTO THE STF.
Countered by Styles into a pinning predicament.
TWO COUNT.
Pele Kick by Styles.
Tornado DDT by Cena.
TWO COUNT.
Cena goes to the top rope. Guil🔯lotine Leg Drop to b🌌ent over Styles.
TWO COUNT.
My god.
Cena to the top rope again. Styles stops him.
Springboard Hurricanrana from Styles.
PHENOMENAL FOREARM.
TWO COUNT.
(my heart,♐ you guys. The old ticker can’t take much more of this.)
Cena tries for the AA agai🌺n, Styles gets off his shoulders, runs the ropes, and gets laid out by a 🥂huge clothesline.
That clothesline was IMMENSE.
C🥃ena goes up to the second rope wi𒁏th Styles on his shoulders.
SUPER AA.
TWO COUNT.
(Is there a doctor in 🌺the house? I'm having palpitations.)
Cena can't believe it.
He goes for the AA again.
Styles gets out of it again.
STYLES CLASH.
no cover attempt
PHENOMENAL FOREARM.
1.
2.
3.
WINNER: AJ Styles
Clean as a sheet. In the middle of the ring.
What a time to be alive.
_______________________________________________________________𝕴_______
Jon Stewart Segment
Stewart comes out and reveals a Booty-Os shirt under his sweatshirt. He says he's going to take the place ofℱ Big E in the tag match, standing in the New Day's corner.
Odds of Jon Stewart contracting a case of Ring-Post-itis: 100%
______________________________________🐈___________________________________________________________
The New Day vs Gallows & Anderson
Tag Team Championship Match
First big mov♒e is Kofi's giant jumping stomp to running Karl Anderson.
Later, Gallows gets Unicorn Stampeded.
KOFI JUST MARSHAWN LYNCH TOPE'D ONTO GALLOWS.
Soon, though G&A takes over𒀰, with Kofi getting beat❀ up for a while.
Ga๊꧟llows misses a splash, leaving Kofi open to make a tag to Woods.
Anderson vs Woods for a bit, with Woods hitting an Enzuigiri and a tightrope springboard ✃Elbow Drop for a two count.
Shades of Gran Metalik.
Kingston is tagged back in, huge backbreꦡaker/double-stomp double team 🎀move.
Broken 🐷up by Gallows. Magic Killer to Kofi. Stewart stops the ꧃pin.
Woods helps out but is thrown to the outside.
STEWART IS ABOUT TO GET RINGPOSTED.
BUT BIG E RUNS IN TO SAVE THE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He wrecks shop all over The Club.
WINNER: The Club by DQ.
New Day keeps their belts for a while long💞er,🉐 and they dance with Jon Stewart.
Welcome back Big E.
Note: Big E decides to drink whatever was in those egg jars. I hope he's okay.
_____________💜_________________________________💦__________________
Dean Ambrose vs Dolph Ziggler
WWE Championship Match
Some🌜 𝐆quick chain wrestling, then a slap to the face from both men.
Back and forth. Ziggler gets tossed to the floor after going for his big DDT. ♎Ambrose follows, hitting Dolph's head on the steel steps.
Dean is definitely wrestling heel here.
He puts Ziggler on the top rope, teases a Dirty Deeds from up there, then nails a super b💝utterfly suplex. Two count.
Ambrose puts Ziggler in a single leg crab a🉐nd flexes. Ziggler reverses it for꧅ a quick nearfall.
Snap suplex by Ambrose.
Ambrose goe𒊎s up top, goes for the Armpit-In-Your-Face Elbow Drop, but Ziggler hits a big dropkick to 🔯counter.
ꦗAmbrose hits a facebuster, then mocks Ziggler's "Loading Up The Boot" taunt.
Ziggler hits that big DDT this time. Two Count.
Dean count🧸ers a Fame-asser into a roll-up. Two Count.
Dean charges Dolph but hits the ringpost instead.
Fame-asser. Two count.
Double cross body stalemate.
A♏mbrose with jabs and chops and running clotheslines💖.
Ambrose hits the Armpit-In-Your-Face Elb🦩ow Drop, gets a two 𓃲count.
Ambrose💞 taunts Ziggler. Ziggles tries to lock in the Sleeper Hol♒d with body scissors, but Dean flings himself to the outside.
Zigglꩵer hits t🀅he Superkick on the outside, rolls Dean back in.
Two Count.
Tries for the Superkic♏k again,꧑ Dean counters into the setup to Dirty Deeds, Ziggler counters it into the ZigZag.
TWO COUNT.
Sleeperhold. Dean gets to his feet.
Slap t🥂o Dean sends him into the ropes, LUNATIC LARIAT.
Two Count.
Dean Ambrose goes top rope. Dolph attempts a superplex. K꧃nocked back down. Attempts a top rope Sit-Out Facebuster. Both men land on their feet.
DIRTY DEEDS.
1-2-3.
WINNER: Dean Ambrose.
That match was weird. I dunno.
_________________________________________________________________________🌃_______
Becky Lynch, Naomi & Carmella vs Natalya, Alexa Bliss & Eva Marie
Eva Marie's ring anno🍸uncer says that she's suffering from anxie෴ty and exhaustion and will be taking a vacation.
That's one way of putting it.
But that's okay be🐲cause she's💟 being replaced by ...
NIKKI BELLA!!!
She looks great. Good for her.
She gets ta꧟gged in after a while and works against Carmella, hitti෴ng some impressive moves and even doing some pushups.
Carmella is the face in peril for most of this, taking all of the heel✤s' offense.
This match is 75% longer than it needed to be.
Becky gets the hot tag, w🐈reaking hav🌃oc on all three of the bad girls.
A top rope guillotine leg drop from Becky and the pinfall gets broken up by Nik🅺ki.
Springboard crossbody from Naomi to Alexa, but a split-legged moonsault miss🎐es th🔯e mark.
Carmella is t🐈here to take a GIANT forearm from Nikki, followed by her new finisher, (I assume) a TKO.
WINNER: The Heel Girls by Nikki Bella Pinfall.
___________________________________________________________🍸___________________
Finn Balor vs Seth Rollins
WWE Universal Championship Match
Finn comes out of the blocks strong, hitting a running corner dropkick and going up for the Coup de Grace. Rollins rolls to the o𒉰utsi⛎de, so Balor hits his tope con hiro.
Rollins comesback, regaining control b🍃y suplexing Balor on the fl💮oor and sending him over the barricade into the time keeper's area.
But Finn pops up f🦂rom out of frame in a meme-worthy moment, and hits a high ri﷽sk move off the barricade.
Later, Rolꦉlins hits his running buckle bomb but on the barricaဣde instead, and takes control of the match.
It's Seth in charge stillꦗ, stomping and clubbing b🎐lows to the side of the head.
Rollins hits his springboಌard knee to the temple, followed by a HUGE frog splash.
Two Count.
Rollins gets cute, and๊ Balor surp🐽rises him with a DDT.
He runs the ropes and hiཧts a running flying double axehandle.
Running basement dropkick to the seated Seth.
B✨alor does his kick on the apron, then a slingblade.
Rollins his a dropkick. Go🦩es for the Pedigree. Countered into a back body drop. Rollins lands on his feet.
Enzuigiri from Rollins.
Pele kick from Balor.
1916 blocked by Rollins. Balor hits the Sc🍒orpion Death Drop. 1916.
He goes up for the Coup de Grace.
Misses, gets caught in a Triangle.
There’s no rope break apparently?
Finn goes ouꦏtside, Rollins brings him b💎ack, hits the Buckle Bomb.
Two count.
SMALL PACKAGE DRIVER.
TWO COUNT.
Rollins g🌸oes up top. Enzuigiri’d off and to the floor.
Running dropkick from Balor.
Rolꦏlins back inside. Coup de Grace to the 🔯back of bent-over Rollins’ head.
Up top for the Coup de Grace. Misses. PEDIGREE.
TWO COUNT.
Rollins goes for the 450 misses.
Balor up for the Coup de Grace. Rollꦜins meets him.
SUPERPLEX. INTO PEDIGREE. BLOCKED.
Standing double stomp.
CORNER DROPKICK.
CORNER DROPKICK.
COUP DE GRACE.
1.
2.
3.
WINNER: Finn Balor.
What a time to be alive.
Rusev vs Roman Reigns
United States Championship Match
Rusev come out trying to murder Roman (and with good cause, I feel), before the match i🍰s even started.
Throwing him into the steel steps, just brutalizing. No word if the brutal🔯ization was technically Bulgarian.
But Reigns throws Rusev into the timekeeper's area, hits 💝a Superman Punch as Rusev tries to climb out.
Chairshots and headbutts and general going nuts.
THE MATCH STILL HASN'T STARTED YET.
Like 70 refs force Roman to go to the back.
Rusev is holding his ribs.
"Rusev is unable to compete tonight."
Roman comes out again and hits a spear off the ramp to Ruse🐓v.
So, is he a heel yet♋, orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr 𝔍..........
WINNER: A-Holes everywhere.
S🌼eriously, I now hate Roman Reigns. That guy SSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS. (As a person. Not as a wrestler.)
Brock Lesnar vs Randy Orton
After t😼h🍰at debacle in the last match, we better be getting something good here.
At least two F-5's countered into RKO's.
Lesnar starts o🙈ut with shoulderblocks and kneelifts in the corner.
He goes foඣr his first German,🦋 but Randy elbows his way out and hits a dropkick.
He goes for an RKO, but Brock knocks him away.
1 Suplex.
2 Suplexes.
3. 3 Suplexes.
Ah. Ah. Ah.
4 Suplexes.
5 Suplexes.
6 Suplexes.
I mean, Orton continues to try to fight back, but it doe𒊎sn't really matter.
On the outside, Lesnar drops Orton on the Spanish announce table. Orton finds himself i♏n the front row.
Lesnar reaches over the barricade, pi⛎cks up Orton and throws him on the Spanish announce table.
It breaks.
He rolls Orton back in the ring.
7 Suplexes.
He puts Orton on the announce table, gets up there with him, appears to be going ౠfor a powerbomb.
RKO #OUTTANOWHERE ON THE TABLE.
Lesnar crawling back into the ring.
DRAPING DDT.
RKO!
TWO COUNT.
(most of this will be all caps from now on, Iꦺ ha🌞ve a feeling.)
ORTON HEAD PUNT COUNTERED BY AN F-5.
TWO COUNT.
Lesnar takes off the MMA, mounts O👍rton, and starts raining down elbows and fists.
ORTON IS BUSTED OPEN.
The doctors c𓆏ome in to tend to Orton, but Lesnar keeps interrupting and punching Orton.
THEY CALLED THE MATCH OFF!
I didn’t even get to use this photo I found.
Lesnar keeps attacking Orton, Shanꦫ𓂃e McMahon comes down.
F-5 to SHANE-O MAC!
Heyman is beside himself. "What did you do?"
Wait ... is that it?
Come join us on the podcast.
