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American Alpha, The Hype Bros and The Usos
vs.
Breezango, The Ascension and The Vaudevillains
We start off with Chad Gable at꧋tem💜pting to wristlock poor Tyler Breeze into next week.
Gablܫe tags in Jey Uso, Breeze tags in Aiden English, Uso tags in Zack Ryꦰder. Ryder goes for the Broski boot, obligatory “everybody get in the ring and brawl” spot.
A.Alpha hits a double diving clothesline from the top rope onto Ascension, Alpha gets pulled out of the ring by Breeza♔ngo, Ryder hits his wrecking ball on them, English throws Ryder into the ringpost.
Commercial.
Back from the break and Ryder𒀰 is being worked over by Gotch.
Scintillating.
Now Viktor gets tagged in. A chinlock. Ooh, excitiꦇn൩g.
Ryder hits a jawbreaker but can’t make the tag.
Konnor gets tagged in, then Breeze.
Ryder looks like the inside of 🌜a cantaloupe. Orange.
Bre🐽eze tags in Fandango, puts Ryder in a single leg crab, Fandango hits a slingshot leg drop on Ryder.
Two count.
Dango tags in Viktor.♔ Viktor tags in Konnor. Ryder counters a Canadian Backbreaker into a Rude Awakening.
Jimmy Uso gets 🥃the hot ൩tag as Breeze comes in. Uso gets the better of that exchange.
Jason Jordan tags himself in a✅nd suplexes E’RYBODY.
Engಞlish breaks up a pinfall attempt. He hits a sitou♔t powerbomb on Gable.
Everybody hits their fi♌nishers and double team signatur𝕴es.
ACTION IS HAPPENING!
Finally, Jordan hits the flying shoulder-strapless-shoulderblock into the cornꦜer on Gotch.
Grand Amplitude.
But Jimmy Uso tagged himself in, and he hits the splash f༒rom the top on Simon, and gets the 1-2-3.
Uso stole the glory from ꦑAmerican Alpha? Intrigue? Mayꦐbe?
TURN HEEL DAMMIT.
Winner: The Good Guys.
Sami Zayn & Neville vs The Dudley Boyz
Neville starts out against D-Von. Tags in Sami Zayn. Tags in Neville. Tags in Zayn. Tags in Ne෴ville.
This is getting monotonous.
Zayn hits a backbreaker, then Neville uses Zayn as a springboard to do a corkscrew moonsault onto D-Von f🍸or a 2 count.
Neville runs the ropes but ꧙gets his feet grabbed at th𝄹e apron.
Bubba takes control as we go to commercial.
𓆉Back from the break and the Dudleyz take turns working over Neville 🐟until Bubba Ray misses a GIANT senton off the top rope.
Sami Zayn꧒ gets the hot tag and nails a Blue Thunder Bomb on D-Von. Bubb✤a breaks up the pin.
Neville breaks up a🍒 pin attempt after a tandem neckbreaker, then avoids a 3-D, gets out of the way of a Bubba clothesline, which knocks down D-Von.
Bubba takes a Helluva Kick, then a Red Arrow.
WINNER: Neville & Zayn by Pinfall.
No heel turn from Bubba. My night is ruined now.
Cesaro vs Sheamus
First Match in the Best of Seven Series
(actually the Third Match, but who's counting?)
(we are. we all are.)
This starts out hot, with b꧂oth men attempting finishers and big moves back and forth.
꧅Sheamus takes control a♓fter hotshotting Cesaro's throat across the top rope and knocking his head against the ringpost.
Cesaro comes back w🍬ith a modified Death Valley Driver. Snap suplex for a one count.
Sheamus with a couple of stiff shots. Back an♑d forth. Tilt-a-whirl slam from Sheamus.
This is actually GOOD.
Commercial.
Back from the break and Sheamus is in the dr🌳iver's seat. Both men go over the top r꧟ope, and there's a double count out possibility.
Sheamus♎ back in at 7-ish and C🍷esaro back in at 9 and a half.
Sheamus slapping Cesaro around, "You're not in my league!" but Cesaro disagrees. A bunch of Europea꧋n uppercuts, puts Sheamus on the top rope, huge dropkick knocks Sheamus to the apron, huge vertical suplex back inside.
Reversals for a whil🍰e. Neutralizer counter🦂ed into White Noise.
NEARFALL.
Sheamus hits an Aval✃a🎉nche Rolling Senton from the top rope.
NEARFALL.
Man, if they were going to g🧜ive Sheamus a win, that would've been the time.
Brogue Kick countered by a big boꦡot, then Sheamu♏s rushes Cesaro and gets caught by a HUGE clothesline.
C🧔esaro climbs the turnbuckle, stands ON THE RINGPOST, then sprinboards off the top rope and hits a crossbody.
That was ridonkulous, y'all.
Big Swing into Sharpshoot⛎er. Sheamus grabs the bottom rop🌊e.
Sꦿharpshooter attempted again. Sheamus with a thumb to the eye, ౠthen throws Cesaro's shoulder into the ring post.
BROGUE KICK.
1-2-3.
WINNER: Sheamus by Pinfall.
_♊____________________________________🥂____________________________________________
MAIN CARD BEGINS ........................... RIGHT NOW.
Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs JeriKO
Enzo and Cass do a promo before the match. It is, sh🍷all we say, local. It's all New York references. Big Cass s𝓡ings some of "New York, New York."
In the match's early going, the good guys have the shi𓆏ne until Jericho yank🐭s Enzo off the tope rope onto the back of his head.
Enzo 🔜is face in peril now. Get used to this. It's gonna be a while.
KO is great, mocking Enzo and the crowd, then gets tagged in and hits🍸 the gutbuster followed by his running senton.
Enzo is able to fight out of the opponents' co🌱rner, but just for a second. Owens drags him to the outside, but catches an elbow. Enzo sprints for Cass, but is intercepted by Jericho.
Springboard dropkick ꩵto Cass on the apron, then a Bullfrog Splash from Owens to Enzo.
Two count.
Owens slapping Enzo, then blows a kiss to Jericho, before missing a cannonball in th🧸e corner.
BIG CASS HOT TAG.
Big Boot to Owens. Bod♈yslam and Empire Elbow to Jericho.
Jericho fights out, goes top rope, jumps off, eats a sജize sixteen.
The Realest Guys go for the Rocket Launcher (I refuse to call it that other thing), but Owens crotches Enzo,ꦿ then takes out Cass on the outside.
Enzo hitsജ his jumping DDT from the top rope (now called the DDG I guess), but Owens gets involved, tossing Enzo into the air; landing in a BRUTAL looking Code꧋breaker.
WINNER: JeriKO
__________________ℱ_____________________________________________꧃_______________________
Backstage comedy bit featuring Jon Stewart, Stephanie and Shane, Mick Foley and The New Day. Seems to be teasing a segment with Jon Stewart and the New Day later.
_______________________________________ꦍ________________________ℱ_______________________________
Sasha Banks vs Charlotte
Women's Championship
Sasha immediately gets Ch𝔉arlotte in the Banks Statemtent, Charlꦜotte quickly gets out.
Charloꦅtte does this crazy thing where she drops Sasha acꦅross the ropes from top turnbuckle.
For reals, I legit thought Sasha was dead.
For reals, yo.
The ref checks on her a couple times, but she's okay I﷽ guess.
Charlotte is working STIFF in this match.
This is uncomfortable to watch.
Charlotte is brutalizing her.
Just tossing her all over the ring.
SASHA COUNTERS A TOP ROPE RAZOR'S EཧDGE INTOꦑ A HURRICANRANA.
Holy crap.
I still think Sasha might be technically dead.
Strong style elbows and forearms exchanged.
Ba🐻ck and forth. This is going to give me a heart attack.
Double knees from the champ to the outside.
Banks Statement, gotten out of by Charlotte.
Natural Selection. TWO COUNT.
Counter by Sasha into the Bank❀s Statement, Char♌lott rolls through.
Pinning Predicament.
1-2-3.
WINNER: Charlotte.
Holy crap. Great match.
________ꦑ_________________________________________________________
Ba🔥ckstag❀e segment with AJ Styles and Gallows&Anderson.
FINN 𒆙SHOWS UP! They offer him the Too Sweet, but he just smiles and wal🍰ks away.
Wow.
_________________________________________♔_________________________💙_
The Miz vs Apollo Crews
Intercontinental Championship Match
They finally g♛ave Apollo green ring gear to match🐓 his entrance lights.
Miz on the attack from the beginning.
He’s in coꦜntrol until his double axehandle from the top rope is met by a Crews dropkick to the face.
Running clotheslines, stinger splash, crossbody, A♑ngle S🌜lam.
Two Count.
Miz gets hit by an Enzuigiri, but ge𒅌𓆉ts the knees up to counter the moonsault.
Crews nails a fro💟nt slam, then an overhead belly to belly.
Miz tries to☂ take a powder, setting up a distraction by Marys🎶e.
A few moves ꦐlater, Miz hits the Skull Crushing final𓆉e for the 1-2-3.
WINNER: The Miz.
Crews was impressive in defeat, at least.
___________________________________________🐻_________🐻__________________
John Cena vs AJ Styles
A lot of feeling each other out to start this 🦋matc💯h.
A split crowd in Barclays. The duelling "Let's Go Cena!" "AJ Stꩲyles!" chants are equally deafening.
Cena takes control when Styles hotdogs afte💮r a dropkick and Cena no-sells the dam💙age.
Styles takes control with a Suplex on the apron.
Cena▨ fights back w꧅ith one of the highest backdrops you will ever see.
Match is very even so far.
Cena hits a dropkick and a snap s✤uplex, followed by a big right hand and an even bigger headbutt.
A flurry from Styles, fol🌳lowed by a running forearm to seate🌺d Cena.
Shoulderblocks from Cena, a 5-Knuckle Shuffle.
He goes for the AA, Styles lands on his feet, and hꦓits the Pele kick.
Styles Clash.
TWO COUNT.
Attitude Adjustment.
TWO COUNT.
Cena tཧries for the top rope AA, Styles fights out, hits a Torture Rack Spin Out Powerbomb.
TWO COUNT.
Some kind of crazy stunner thing by Cena.
TWO COUNT.
AA cཧountered by Styles, countered by Cena into STF, countered by Styles.
Styles hits the Ushi Goroshi.
TWO COUNT.
Styles misses the springboard 450.
Cena hits the Canadian Destroyer.
TWO COUNT.
AA countered by Styles. German Suplex into a Sitout Fac🉐ebuster.
TWO COUNT.
💖Phenomenal Forearm countered by Cena g🌸rabbing AJ’s leg.
STF. Countered by Styles into crossface.
Countered by Cena into the AA position.
Countered by Styles into the Calf Crusher.
COUNTERED BY CENA INTO THE STF.
Countered by Styles into a pinning predicament.
TWO COUNT.
Pele Kick by Styles.
Tornado DDT by Cena.
TWO COUNT.
Cena goes to the top rope. Guillotine Leꦯg Drop to bent over Styles🌃.
TWO COUNT.
My god.
Cena to the top rope again. Styles stops him.
Springboard Hurricanrana from Styles.
PHENOMENAL FOREARM.
TWO COUNT.
(my heart, you gℱuys. The old ticke🌄r can’t take much more of this.)
Cena tries for the AA again, Styles gets off his shoulders, runs the ropes, and gets laid out by 🧸a huge clothesline.
That clothesline was IMMENSE.
Cena goꦡes up toꦚ the second rope with Styles on his shoulders.
SUPER AA.
TWO COUNT.
(Is ♑there a doctor in the house? I'm having palp⛎itations.)
Cena can't believe it.
He goes for the AA again.
Styles gets out of it again.
STYLES CLASH.
no cover attempt
PHENOMENAL FOREARM.
1.
2.
3.
WINNER: AJ Styles
Clean as a sheet. In the middle of the ring.
What a time to be alive.
__________________________________________________________ꦐ____________
Jon Stewart Segment
Stewart comes out and reveals a Booty-Os shirt under his sweatshi♌rt. He says he's going to take the place of Big E in ꧋the tag match, standing in the New Day's corner.
Odds of Jon Stewart contracting a case of Ring-Post-itis: 100%
_____________________________________𒅌_______________ও_____________________________________________
The New Day vs Gallows & Anderson
Tag Team Championship Match
First big move is Kofi's gi🐲ant jumping stomp to running Karꦇl Anderson.
Later, Gallows gets Unicorn Stampeded.
KOFI JUST MARSHAWN LYNCH TOPE'D ONTO GALLOWS.
Soon, though G&A takes over, with🍨 Kofi getting beat up for a while.
Gallows misses a splash, leaving 🤡Kofiไ open to make a tag to Woods.
Anderson vs Woods for a bit, with Woods hitting an Enzuigiri and💖 a tightro✅pe springboard Elbow Drop for a two count.
Shades of Gran Metalik.
Kingston is tagged back in, huge backbreaker/dཧouble-stomp double team꧂ move.
Broken up by Gallows. Magic Killer to Kofi. 🏅Stewart stops the pin.
Woods helps out but is thrown to the outside.
STEWART IS ABOUT TO GET RINGPOSTED.
BUT BIG E RUNS IN TO SAVE THE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He wrecks shop all over The Club.
WINNER: The Club by DQ.
New Day keeps their belts for a while longer, and 🅘they dance with Jon Stewart🥃.
Welcome back Big E.
Note: Big E decides to drink whatever was in those egg jars. I hope he's okay.
__________________ܫ______________________________________________
Dean Ambrose vs Dolph Ziggler
WWE Championship Match
S🦩ome quick chain wrestling, then a slap to the face from both men.
Back and forth. Ziggler gওets tossed to the floor after going for his big DDT. Ambrose follows, hitting Dolph's head on the steel steps.
Dean is definitely wrestling heel here.
He puts Ziggler on the top rope, teases a Dirty Deeds from up there, then nails a supe🔜r bꦕutterfly suplex. Two count.
Ambrose puts Ziggler in a single ဣleg crab and flexes. Ziggler reverses it for a quick nearfall.
Snap suplex by Ambrose.
Ambrose goes up top, goes fo💎r the Armpit-In-Your-Face Elbow Drop, but Ziggler hits a big dropkick to counter.
Ambrose hits a facebuster, then🌳 mocks Ziggler's "Loading Up The Boot" taunt.
Ziggler hits that big DDT this time. Two Count.
Dean counters a Fame-asser 🍃into a roll-up. Two Count.
Dean charges Dolph but hits the ringpost instead.
Fame-asser. Two count.
Double cross body stalemate.
Ambrose with jabs and chopﷺs a🎐nd running clotheslines.
Ambrose hits the A♈rmpit-In-Your-Face Elbow Drop, gets a two count.
Ambrose taunts Ziggl♛er. Ziggles tries to lock in the Sl🙈eeper Hold with body scissors, but Dean flings himself to the outside.
Ziggler hits th💟e Superkick on the outside, rolls Dean back in.
Two Count.
Tries for the Superkick again, Dean counters into the setup to Dirty Deeds,♊ Ziggler counters it into the💎 ZigZag.
TWO COUNT.
Sleeperhold. Dean gets to his feet.
Slap to Dean s𝔉ends him into the ropes, LUNATIC LAR✃IAT.
Two Count.
Dean Ambrose goes top rope. Dolph attempts a supe🐓rplex. Knocked back down. Attempts a top rope Sit-Out Facebuster. Both men land on their feet.
DIRTY DEEDS.
1-2-3.
WINNER: Dean Ambrose.
That match was weird. I dunno.
___________________😼________________﷽_____________________________________________
Becky Lynch, Naomi & Carmella vs Natalya, Alexa Bliss & Eva Marie
Eva Marie's ring announcer says that she's s🔯uffering from anxiety and exhau🐷stion and will be taking a vacation.
That's one way of putting it.
But that's okay because she's being replaced🦂 by ..♛.
NIKKI BELLA!!!
She looks great. Good for her.
She gets tagged in after a while and w🎃orks against Carmella, hitting some impressive moves and even doing some pus𒁏hups.
Carmella is 🔥the face in peril for most of this, taking all of the heels' o𓄧ffense.
This match is 75% longer than it needed to be.
Becky gets the hot tag, wre𒀰aking havoc on all three of the bad girls.
A top rope guillotine leg drop from Becky and the pinfall gets broken up by Nik💛ki.
Springboard crossbody from Naomi to Alexa, but a s💖plit-legged moonsault mi♏sses the mark.
Carmella is there to take a GIANT for🎶earm from Nikki, followed by her new finisher, (I assume) a TKO.
WINNER: The Heel Girls by Nikki Bella Pinfall.
_______________🏅___________________________💮____________________________________
Finn Balor vs Seth Rollins
WWE Universal Championship Match
Finn comes out of the blocks strong, hi⛎tting a running corner dropkick and going up for the Co꧟up de Grace. Rollins rolls to the outside, so Balor hits his tope con hiro.
Rollins comesback, ൲regaining control by suplexing Balor on the floor and sending him over the barricade into the time keeper's area.
But Finn pops up from out of frame in a meme-worthy moment, and hits 🧸a high risk move off the barricade.
Later, Ro⭕llins hits his running buckle bomb but on the barricade instead, and takes control of the match.
It's Seth in charge still, stomping and club🐭bing blows to the side of the head.
Rollins 💛hits his springboard knee to the temple, followed b🎃y a HUGE frog splash.
Two Count.
Rollins gets cute, and Balor surprises him wi๊th a DDT.
He runs t🌊he ropes and hits a running flying double axehandle.
Running basement dropkick to the seated Seth.
Balor does his kick on the🥂 apron, then a slingblade.
Rollins his a dropkick. Goes for the Pedigree. Count🌞ered into a back body drop. Rollins lands on his feet.
Enzuigiri from Rollins.
Pele kick from Balor.
1916 blocked by Rolli𝕴𝓡ns. Balor hits the Scorpion Death Drop. 1916.
He goes up for the Coup de Grace.
Misses, gets caught in a Triangle.
There’s no rope break apparently?
Finn💧 goes outside, Rollins brings him back, hits the Buckle Bomb.
Two count.
SMALL PACKAGE DRIVER.
TWO COUNT.
Ro😼llins goes up top. Enzuigiri’d off and to the flo��or.
Running dropkick from Balor.
Rollins back inside. Coup de Grace to the back of bent-ove🐠r✤ Rollins’ head.
Up top for the Coup de Grace. Misses. PEDIGREE.
TWO COUNT.
Rollins goes for the 450 misses.
Balor up for the Coup de Grace. Rolli🌳ns meets him.
SUPERPLEX. INTO PEDIGREE. BLOCKED.
Standing double stomp.
CORNER DROPKICK.
CORNER DROPKICK.
COUP DE GRACE.
1.
2.
3.
WINNER: Finn Balor.
What a time to be alive.
Rusev vs Roman Reigns
United States Championship Match
Ru🧜sev come out trying to murder Roman (and with good cause, I feel), before the match i𓆉s even started.
Throwing him into the steel ste𒁏ps, just brutalizing. No word if the brutalization was technically✤ Bulgarian.
But Reigns throws Rus♋ev into th💫e timekeeper's area, hits a Superman Punch as Rusev tries to climb out.
Chairshots and headbutts and general going nuts.
THE MATCH STILL HASN'T STARTED YET.
Like 70 refs force Roman to go to the back.
Rusev is holding his ribs.
"Rusev is unable to compete tonight."
Roman comes out again and hits a spear off the𝓰 ramp to Rusev.
So, is he a heel yet, orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr♚rrrrrr🅘 ..........
WINNER: A-Holes everywhere.
Seriously, I now hate Roman Reigns.﷽ Th🐠at guy SSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS. (As a person. Not as a wrestler.)
Brock Lesnar vs Randy Orton
After that debacle in the last♋ match, we better be getting someth꧅ing good here.
At least two F-5's countered into RKO's.
Lesnar starts out with shoulderblocks and k💯neelifts in the corner.
He 📖goes for his first German, but Randy elbows his way 🌳out and hits a dropkick.
He goes for an RKO, but Brock knocks him away.
1 Suplex.
2 Suplexes.
3. 3 Suplexes.
Ah. Ah. Ah.
4 Suplexes.
5 Suplexes.
6 Suplexes.
I mean, Orton continues to try to fight back, but it doesn't real🎉ly 💧matter.
On the o♑utside, Lesnar drops Orton on the Spanish announce table. Orton finds himself in the front💖 row.
Lesnar reaches over the barrica🤡de, picks up Orton and throws him on the Spanish announce table.
It breaks.
He rolls Orton back in the ring.
7 Suplexes.
He puts Orton on the announce table, gets up there withꦅ him, appears to be going for a pow🌠erbomb.
RKO #OUTTANOWHERE ON THE TABLE.
Lesnar crawling back into the ring.
DRAPING DDT.
RKO!
TWO COUNT.
(most of this ꦆwill be all caps from now on, I have a feeling.)
ORTON HEAD PUNT COUNTERED BY AN F-5.
TWO COUNT.
Lesnar takes off the MMA, mounts Orton,🍎 and starts rainin﷽g down elbows and fists.
ORTON IS BUSTED OPEN.
The doctors come in to tend to Orton, but Lesnar 🍷keeps interrupting and punching Orton.
THEY CALLED THE MATCH OFF!
I didn’t even get to use this photo I found.
Lesnar kꦡeeps attacking Orton, Shane McMahon co♛mes down.
F-5 to SHANE-O MAC!
Heyman is beside himself. "What did you do?"
Wait ... is that it?
Come join us on the podcast.
